Abject Cruelty

 The other day, I was listening to My Chemical Romance, the song, This Is How I Disappear. As the drums beat, I imagined someone hammering nails into my wrists. I ask myself, why do I imagine this image so much? Who is crucifying me?

Then I saw Jesus. He was on the cross, tears rolling from His eyes, as He cried out in such agony I cannot express adequately. It brings tears to my eyes as I write this. And it was me who had the hammer. I was nailing His wrists. I was appalled at myself. I've heard preachers say, "We crucify Him daily when we sin". But most people aren't monsters like me. For the me that swung the hammer was rotten, with a chelsea grin carved into his cheeks, and teeth like razors. Black blood seeps from his body. He is my sin, the fleshly part of me. And the fleshly part is angry, and vengeful. 

It breaks my heart to realize that this part of me is the Flesh. It is the nature that wanted to protect the young boy, to make justice. But it wanted to punish those who had wronged me. He wanted to do unspeakable horrors. The terminology that has frequently crossed my mind, for the past few days, is "abject cruelty". He is cruel, and unforgiving. So were the Romans who crucified Jesus. In such angry thoughts, I am the Romans, I am the Judaists. I am worse than Judas, for even he did not scourge Him.

I have to forgive myself, if I want to go forward. Why is it so, so hard? 

I ask the question rhetorically, but I know the answer. I know why it is so hard. Because I have seen how I was not enough. I've heard my loved ones accuse me, and list off my sins. I've heard them recite the words of the voices in my heads, nearly exactly. I never cease my sins. I keep being awful. I keep being that disgusting thing that I hate. I don't want to be inside this monster anymore. I don't want to be him. He is disgusting. She called him disgusting today. I agree with her.

I was angry when she said it, but I agree with her.