Being Realistic

I'm starting to realize how my nature is a little more on the feminine side, and how that is likely influencing my relationships with women. Over the years, I have embraced my feminine side, especially since I thought I was transgender in my early teens. That was back before people really talked about it -- everything I knew about being "transsexual" came from an edition of the Britannica from the 60s. Thankfully, my strong heterosexuality has helped ground me in my understanding of my gender. I came to believe that I was a more feminine man, and that was okay with me because it's who I am.

But the thing is, how much of my "feminine" behaviors are simply who I am? How much of them are influenced by extremely low self-esteem? My response to breakups seems a lot like the way toxic women do. And the extreme need for validation is clearly part of it.

Maybe one way to put it is, I need to embrace positive masculinity and use it to replace my toxic femininity. I have a few masculine qualities of my own, which I have discovered over the past two years or so:

1) I am a more logical thinker. Even though I am passionate and have strong emotions, I think logically about situations. I am able to analyze when my emotions are unreasonable, and can make moves to counteract them. I am also aware when I am going towards the worst possible conclusions, and am able to look at it objectively - whereas a lot of women seem to be incapable of doing so. When they've reached the worst possible conclusion, they have difficulty recognizing that without having someone else there to stabilize them.

2) I like relatively masculine things -- monsters, action, the like. Although I have no interest in cars or sports, I am definitely not interested in romcoms and beauty products, either. 

3) I have strong opinions of my own. Conservative politics are attractive to me because they are far more logic-based than Woke ideas; but even still, I know where I disagree with Republicans. I also have strong theological opinions, which I can defend passionately (perhaps too passionately).

I don't think I'm too far from where I want to be. But here are some areas I can improve:

1) I have a fight-or-flight response to negative behaviors I don't understand. For instance, when I see someone being blatantly selfish, I often respond with unbridled anger. Even still, I can feel the anxiety trembling in my bones -- which means, I am responding this way because I am afraid. I can cure this irrational fear by trying to empathize with my enemies, and try to love them even when they are being sinful.

2) A girl turns me down in an inconsiderate and unfair way. I have to come to a point where I personally believe I am valuable. Perhaps this is proof that this specific girl would not be healthy for me. If she can't treat me fairly as a friend, she cannot treat me fairly as a lover. I've already seen what happens when I am mistreated by a girlfriend -- I lose feelings slowly, but surely. Trust is extremely pivotal in the way I am attracted to people. I also need to take care of myself.

3) I need to come to believe that I deserve respect as a human being, made in the image of God, let alone someone who strives so hard to do the right thing. I have always feared that this thinking would create selfishness and pride, but not if I am careful. A good way to be careful is to pray for myself in the third person, as if I were a friend of mine or someone that I care about.

4) Believe in myself. If I believe strongly that my opinions or experiences are reality, then I should not live in fear of being wrong. God has used my logical faculties to keep me in check. Some fear is good, but this level of it is too much -- too much fear creates extremely negative side effects. In the end, I look like a conservative defending my positions in a way a Woke person would -- defending a logical truth using unreasonable emotions. I don't need to be angry to know that I am right.