I'm Scared.

Sometimes the uncertainty about my condition terrifies me. Am I really a case that cannot be diagnosed or solved? I can't trust any doctor, psychiatrist, or therapist, even a pastor, to tell me what the fuck is wrong. I'm tired of being humiliated because of this debilitating confusion. I wish I wasn't the object of ridicule...

But now I know the world really is out to abuse me, to harm me. I can trust no one. And there's nothing to trust. Because no one has the answers, anyway.

If no one believes in me, why should I?

Today I woke up with a horrible bitterness. I wish the thoughts and feelings of others didnt influence me. Im wondering if my suicidal ideation is bad enough to be concerning. But like all the other times, I don't really care.

Ive been fighting for weeks for something Im grasping for hope, just to be told that it's a lost hope.

Silence

no one sees this blog. No one cares.

Do I want them to see? Do I want them to care?

I am torn. I think it's best that no one misses me when I die. That is that.

Resolution

I have a purpose in this world, the Lord has shown me the secrets of the universe. I will complete my books, I will complete them quickly.

And then I will die, I will sink into the darkness and the silence. I have no more purpose. I am a broken clock, that can no longer tell time. It moves, but does not move correctly.

I want to die where no one suspects it. When no one thinks of it. And let their love forget me.

Life is unbearable. I have fought too long, without progress. The pain remains the same, and life just as horrific. All I ask is that I am able to finish my purpose quickly, and that You would protect those whom I love from this same fate.

I Hate The Thing That Is Man.

I hate it when it is in me.

I hate it when it is in men.

I hate it when it is in women.

I hate the thing that is Man.

Godzilla!

Here's a post I tried to make on 5/20/14, at 4:47 PM. I don't know what I intended to write.

I just saw Godzilla 2014 on the day it came out(lucky huh? I saw the early showing). It was action packed and was given a perfect story. It turns out that I was right. They weren't going to make the centipede creature talked about by the people who saw it in comic con. But the mutos played a perfect role as the antagonists.

The movie happened to waken the dormant Godzilla fandom in me, which I've possessed for as long as I can remember, but got bored of last year. So I've come up with an elaborate Godzilla reboot of my own.
Unlike in the Godzilla 2014 movie, Godzilla is a threat to mankind, and goes on an insane rampage.

In 1954, Godzilla was supposedly killed by the hydrogen bomb. But instead, he regenerated his body completely, but was in a sort of coma.

The story begins as a meteor falls into a forest in Japan. It was undetected by satellite. After it's massive impact, it begins sending out a sort of radio signal. Seeming....

Debilitating

Anxiety is debilitating. It's 1:23 AM as I begin this post, and I was on the edge of sleep. I was hoping, that, for the first time in a few weeks, I'd be able to sleep before 2:30. I doubt it'll get better. Tonight, it was my homework that did it. It's the last month of the semester, and the number of massive papers I have to write is enough to make me fold. Constipation is driving me insane. I can't sleep at night because of it. I hate life.

I feel like I'll never be free. Like nothing will ever be worth it. I will always be a few steps behind, and everyone is waiting to point fingers at me.

I wish I could do homework to help my mood. But anxiety is debilitating. It makes you worried about things you must do, and makes you powerless to do them. It's like it's all set up to torture me.

And no one is there to save me. No one to help me.